There are times that I think life would just be easier if I drove away, got a job and a little apartment and a cat.  I don't feel like a bad wife and mom, daughter, sister, friend.  I don't know at what point I lost myself.  I guess it's been off and on now for 6 years.  Through the many surgeries for the endometriosis I feel like my soul has become degenerative like my ovaries.  Now that they are gone, along with my uterus, and any hope of having more children on my own, I feel such emptiness.  There are moments of bliss - when I'm lying with my husband, when I'm having tickle fights with my daughters, and glimpses of normality throughout the days.  I am sure that without these amazing people in my life I would have ended it long ago.  I don't think about suicide, like I've said before - I just sometimes wish to fall asleep and never wake up.  I haven't had a traumatic life.  My childhood was amazing, and my parents are more than I could ever ask for.  Any pain in my life has been the result of my own poor decisions.  Two bad breakups that hurt the boys so bad it was very hard for me to move on.  One boy actually started self-medicating and self-harming.  I hear he's married now and I hope he's ok.  Not to say that the loss of me in anyone's life up until this point was so unbearable, but I do know how certain relationships can leave scars that don't heal.  My freshman year in college was an incredibly stupid, painful, destructive learning experience.  I let many people down and made many poor choices I'll never be able to redo.  I was angry for a long time even after forgiveness from my Heavenly Father.  After going through an abortion by myself I don't think I've ever been in so much pain - both physically and mentally.  An angel appeared to me in the form of a little girl.  I was crying in bed and she smoothed my hair and said "Don't worry Mommy.  I'll come back.  Everything will be ok."  That moment of peace and comfort has remained as clear today as it was 13 years ago.  I love my husband and my amazing girls more than anything in the whole world and I want so desperately to get better, and be better.  If not for them, than for my Mother in Heaven.  As a mother myself I can't imagine how hard it is for her to see her children suffering and not be able to comfort them.  They say "fake it till you make it" which is my mantra these days.  I just wish I could feel the comfort in my soul.  I was reading through the Psalms today and will continue to do so.  They are so very lovely.

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