I know the obvious answer to this question is that everyone deserves love.  I think it's impossible for a human to survive this life without feeling the love of somewhere along the way.  When I was 21 years old I was lucky enough to marry my amazing husband.  He has been with me through depression, illness, trials, and those amazing times where I'm top of the world.  He's patient with me no matter what.  Recently my mom told him that she wouldn't blame him for leaving, that this kind of pressure is too much to ask.  I know where she was coming from but man it hurt.  There is not doubt that there is only one transgression that would ever cause him to finally give up on me, and that one thing is something I would never do.  I know what I have in him, and I am not willing to give it up under any circumstances.

Depression was never really a part of my life until I got sick.  It would come in waves, but I was always able to keep it at bay.  After the birth of my second baby girl the demons came in full force.  I was suffering from depression, severe post-partum depression, and pain killer addiction.  We were in a new home in a new city, away from family.  I felt isolated at best and I had two perfect little angels that depended on me for everything.  The darkness that filled my days and my every thought were frightening.  Thoughts that my baby would be better off without me.  I remember hallucinating one night after a 3 am feeding after weeks of no sleep.  Daughter #2 has these enormous blue eyes that are breathtaking.  At 3 am when you are hallucinating you start to imagine some pretty strange things.  I was entirely convinced that she was an alien.  I had no idea what to do with my alien baby.  I will never forget the terror I felt in that moment.

Luckily I was able to find a prescription that worked for me, Lexapro.  It's been a life saver over the past 6 years, although I'm on the maximum dose.  It also seems that every January - March the darkness returns.  I never think of hurting my children, and seldom think of hurting myself.  There are moments when I understand why people self-mutilate.  I cannot believe I am actually writing these thoughts, but who knows - maybe they'll help someone somewhere going through the same thing.  I am not naive enough to think I am the only one having these thoughts.  I live a charmed life.  I stay home in my beautiful home with my amazing little girls.  My husband supports me in everything I do.  But the loneliness I feel is almost crippling.  I force myself to get out of bed in the morning and pretend like everything is ok.  It seems the busier I stay, the less control the darkness has over me.  I am ashamed and feel unworthy of anyone's love.  That includes my wonderful husband, my children, my Savior, and especially my Father in Heaven.  Several times a day I fight back tears that come from nowhere.

I am so thankful for all that I have been given.  I am thankful for all my many talents and achievements.  I have been so blessed to live the life I have.  From this point forward I know it will only get better.  My husband - for some odd reason - thinks I am the sun, moon, and the stars.  If only I could see myself the way he sees me.  I try so hard to stay strong for them and not let them see the real me as I know it would only hurt them deeply.  Depression is a terrible thing.  Self loathing is something I wish no one else will ever have to experience.  Without my husband and children I think I'd like to just cease to exist.  Not disappear and start a new life, not injure myself, just fall asleep and never wake up.  For their sakes I would never do that, since I'd give my life to prevent their pain.

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